Lower Libido in Men

​​Sexual desire is complex. It’s multi-dimensional, multi-causal and multi-layered.
 
When we think of lower libido, we typically think of women. It’s common to hear stories of women who don’t feel waves of lust coursing through them. Low sexual desire in women has been normalised to the point that “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” is a trope we have all heard on TV.
 
What about men who don’t feel the spontaneous, frequent, gripping urge to throw their partner to the bed and rip off their clothes? This isn’t something we often consider. Society sees men as hungry beasts, always wanting sex.

What Causes Lower Libido in Men?
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​Humans, including men, are complex creatures and so is sexual desire.
 
Lower libido in men doesn’t get much attention. Instead, the focus is on erectile dysfunction. According to porn and the media, all a man needs for a successful sexual encounter is an erection; which is apparently simple to achieve. But this isn’t the case. Libido plays an integral part in the ability and desire to have a sexual experience.
 
Low sexual desire is experienced by about 1 in 6 adult men (15-17%). It’s incredibly common, so if you or your partner experience lower libido, you’re not alone.

What Exactly is Libido?
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​Libido is, simply put, someone’s drive or desire to have sex. It’s influenced by biological and psychological factors, as well as social, cultural and relational factors.
 
Everyone experiences sexual desire differently. Not only is everyone’s sex drive different, but people can experience vast fluctuations and changes over time.
 
Typically, libido rises when everything comes together in a positive, healthy way that points to sex being a pleasurable experience. The body is willing, the mind is ready, and the context supports the action. However, this is not guaranteed. Even if everything seems to be lined up perfectly, sex drive can be difficult to force or generate.

How do Different Factors Influence Lower Libido?
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Your level of sexual desire can be influenced by a range of factors; biological, sexual, psychological, cultural and relational. Often, they are interrelated, and something that is impacting one area will affect another area.
 
As you read through the following information, you may start to notice all the ways that these factors are  connected .

Biological

The human body is complex and shifts in different parts of someone’s health can have an impact on sexual desire.
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• Hormones like testosterone and prolactin both impact libido. A certain level of testosterone is needed to feel sexual desire. Prolactin is involved in reducing sexual desire. Not enough testosterone or too much prolactin will reduce sexual drive.  
• Many health issues impact sexual desire, including diabetes, cancer, coronary disease, and epilepsy. Health habits also play a role; whether you smoke, drink alcohol heavily, eat well and exercise regularly.
• Side effects are a common part of taking medications. One common side effect of many medicines is a decrease in sex drive.
• Libido often decreases with age. This is not because aging directly impacts sexual desire, but because of the changes that occur with age, including decreases in testosterone levels, increased health issues and increased use of medications.
• Sexual function issues like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation can also influence your level of sexual desire. It’s important to remember that function and desire are distinct but often related.

Psychological
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Just as the state of your body and health can influence sexual drive, so can your emotional and mental state.

• Depression and anxiety affect people differently. Some people find their libido increases when they are depressed or anxious. More commonly, others experience a state of low sexual desire.
• Shame can have a massive impact on desire. It is a painful emotion associated with failure and humiliation. Shame can lead to feelings of mistrust, worthlessness and the need to withdraw
• Like shame, self-esteem can also strongly impact sexual drive. The way you feel about yourself, your sense of self-worth and value, it all affects your ability to feel connected, safe and turned on.  
• Sexual beliefs influence desire. It might be that you think you’re not good at sex, that sex is wrong, that sex isn’t enjoyable, or many other things.
• Your values are the things that are important to you. They’re the basis for behaviour and motivation and can include things like loyalty, purity and autonomy. If something goes against your values, the desire for sex can be significantly reduced.  
• And finally, stress. Stress floods your body with fight or flight hormones, putting survival as a priority. It can leave you wired, edgy and unable to relax. Sex becomes less important as your mental and physical resources are directed towards surviving.

 
Sexual Factors

This may seem obvious, but when there are factors at play that impact how you experience, think and feel about sex, your desire for sexual connection can decrease.

• Sexual anxiety is more specific than general anxiety. It can turn sex into something stressful, instead of pleasurable. The less pleasurable and more anxiety-inducing something is, the less we want to do it.
• Whether good or bad, your past experiences influence your present experience. If sex hasn’t been pleasurable for you in the past or there has been sexual trauma, it’s natural for your sexual desire to reduce.
• Having unmet needs can lower your desire. There might be something you need mentally, emotionally, physically or sexually, that isn’t being satisfied.
• While masturbation can be healthy, over-reliance on a particular technique and excessive use of porn affect libido. It may make it harder for you to achieve the same level of pleasure and desire with partnered sex.
• Struggling with your sexuality or gender identity. If you are feeling unsure about yourself, conflicted about who you are or what you want, this can leave you feeling uncertain and disconnected sexually.
• Focusing too much on performance and not pleasure can create a sense of judgement with sex. Sex becomes about a goal rather than an enjoyable experience to be shared. When expectations aren’t fulfilled, they can cause great frustration.

 
Relational

For many people, sexual experiences are driven by connection. The state of our relationships, how we relate to others, and how they relate to us can be a factor that shifts and impacts libido.

• Conflict with your partner can have a massive impact on sexual desire. Being in ‘battle’ with your sexual partner divides you, shifting the focus toward the negatives and causing disconnection.
• Many people expect the continuously experience the excitement and passion that comes with the beginning of a relationship. However, connections can evolve, the novelty fades, and new things like finances, work commitments and negotiating roles can take over. This can be particularly disruptive if someone believes that passion and excitement should always remain the same as it was in the beginning.
• A lack of intimacy, that sense of emotional closeness and connection, can see the desire to be physically and sexually close decrease.
• Attraction goes both ways. Being attracted to your partner and feeling as though your partner is attracted to you is important for sexual desire. When one or both of these are missing, the sexual drive can start to disappear.

 
Cultural

Humans are social creatures. Culture plays an integral part in how we relate to ourselves and others. When something gets in the way how we have been taught to feel, this can have an enormous impact on how we experience sexual attraction and desire.

• In society, stereotypes abound. Men are meant to be strong and virile, always ready for sex and able to go all night. This can shape the way you think and feel about yourself, especially if you don’t feel like you don’t weigh up to expectation, yours or others.
• Stigma is the weight of society’s negative judgements. The feeling that there is something, somehow, wrong with you can enormously impact how you see yourself, your partners and your sexual desires.
• The meaning and value of sex can be affected by religion. Growing up in a religious home or community might shape the way you view sex, even if you aren’t consciously aware of it. If something happens that is outside what you have been taught, it can cause anxiety, fear and discomfort.

What Can be Done About a Lower Libido?
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While it might seem daunting that there are so many things that can lead to low sexual desire, many of them are connected.
 
When you change something in one area for the better, other sectors also improve.
 
Nothing in life is stagnant, and with support and guidance, you can take control of the factors influencing your sex drive. If you want things to change, they can.
 
Talking with a sex therapist can be a safe and empowering way to discuss what you are dealing with and find ways to work through it.
 
Sex therapy provides you with knowledge, insight, and allows you to have conversations in a safe environment.
 
Experiencing lower libido is common. While it may seem embarrassing or shameful, you are not alone.
 
Sometimes reaching out for support is difficult, so we use an online booking system that is as user-friendly as possible. Or if you prefer, you can call us directly to set up an appointment that is convenient for you.