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By Alana Shapiro | Founder, Bare Intimacy M.Sexol, Adv. Clinical Training (Contemporary Gestalt Therapy) Differences in sexual desire are one of the most common challenges couples experience, yet they are rarely discussed openly. When one partner wants sex more often than the other, it is easy to assume something is wrong with the relationship or with one person. In reality, differences in libido are a normal part of long-term relationships and do not reflect a lack of love, attraction, or commitment. Rather than viewing low libido as a problem to be fixed, it can be more helpful to understand desire as something shaped within the relationship itself. Sexual desire is influenced by context, emotional safety, life circumstances, and the meanings we attach to sex. What Is Low Libido? Libido, often used interchangeably with desire, describes a person’s interest in sexual activity. In relationships, “low libido” usually describes a difference rather than an absence of desire. There is no universal or correct level of sexual desire. A partner may have lower desire relative to their partner, even if their own level feels comfortable or typical for them. Lower desire does not automatically mean a lack of attraction, love, or care, although it is often interpreted that way. More Than Biology Sexual desire is often explained in biological terms such as hormones, age, or health. While biology can play a role, it is only one part of a much larger picture. Libido is highly sensitive to context. Stress, emotional safety, communication, unresolved tension, past experiences, and feeling connected or pressured within a relationship all shape desire. This is why libido can change even when there is no clear medical explanation, and why two people with similar physical health may experience very different levels of desire. People also experience desire differently. For some, desire may increase during stress; for others, it may decrease. Understanding desire in this way can reduce shame and shift the focus away from what is wrong with me or my partner and toward curiosity about what might be influencing desire, and what each partner’s libido responds to. Desire Changes Over Time Desire commonly fluctuates across different life stages and relationship phases. Contributors to lower libido may include chronic stress, fatigue or burnout, mental load and emotional labour, health changes, medication or hormonal shifts, anxiety or depression, body image concerns, unresolved conflict, lack of emotional safety, and major life transitions such as parenthood, grief, body changes, or increased work demands. These factors often interact, making desire less predictable than many people expect. Gendered Expectations and Shame Cultural beliefs about gender and sex strongly influence how desire differences are understood and responded to. Many men grow up with the expectation that they should always want sex and initiate it. When desire is lower, this can lead to confusion or embarrassment and, at times, increased anxiety that impacts sexual functioning or performance. Many women are socialised to view their desire as secondary or responsive. When women experience lower desire, it is often framed as something to be fixed. Women are frequently positioned as the problem and encouraged to seek solutions for their bodies, even when the relational context is clearly strained. This can lead to pressure, self-criticism, and disconnection from their own needs. When desire differences are individualised in this way, shame often falls on the lower desire partner. Shame does not create desire. It more often leads to anxiety, withdrawal, avoidance, and disconnection. The Impact on the Relationship Both partners are affected by mismatched libido. The lower desire partner may feel pressure, guilt, or anxiety around intimacy, or begin avoiding affection for fear it will lead to sex. The higher desire partner may feel rejected, lonely, or insecure. Without open conversation, couples can fall into a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal, where both end up feeling unseen. When libido is treated as an individual problem rather than a shared relational experience, opportunities for understanding and repair are often missed. Pressure is one of the most overlooked contributors to low libido. When sex becomes an expectation, obligation, or source of conflict, desire often decreases further. For many people, desire is responsive rather than spontaneous and emerges after feeling emotionally safe, relaxed, and connected. Autonomy and choice are essential for desire to grow. Support Differences in libido are common, human, and workable. They do not mean a relationship is broken or that one partner is at fault. However, these patterns rarely shift on their own. Without both people being willing to engage differently, the dynamics that shape desire tend to remain the same. Mismatched libido is best understood as a couple’s issue rather than an individual one. Support is not about forcing change or convincing one partner to want more or less sex. It is about both people becoming curious about how safety, connection, and responsiveness can be strengthened within the relationship. Couples therapy offers a supportive space to explore these dynamics together, moving away from blame and toward shared understanding. Seeking support is not a sign of failure, but a sign of care for the relationship and a willingness to do something different together. If mismatched desire or other relationship concerns are impacting your connection, support is available with Alana. In addition to Sex Therapy Perth, Alana works in private practice at Bare Intimacy, www.bareintimacy.com.au
 Sex therapy is a type of psychotherapy that’s designed to help individuals or couples talk about their sex life in a safe space. Sexual satisfaction can be impacted by a variety of factors including medical, personal, interpersonal, and psychological. Making improvements in your sex life involve confronting or address these factors, with or without an expert.
Many people feel alone and ashamed because of their sexual identity or traumatic life events, such as sexual or emotional abuse. And while it’s true that every person’s sexual life is shaped by their own experiences – they’re not alone in their desire to reach out for help. At Sex Therapy Perth, we provide a safe, confidential and non-judgmental ‘free-zone’ to our clients so they can freely explore and reconnect with who they really are. We believe everyone deserves assistance in overcoming challenges that prevent them from experiencing a healthy sex life and forming empowering relationships from a place of unconditional self-love and intimacy. Understanding How Sex Therapy WorksSex therapy is specially designed to help people address matters that relate to sexual intimacy, attraction, identity, addiction, and trauma, among other things. A sex therapist is trained to help you:
How Can Sex Therapy Help?Sex therapy can be an effective mode of treatment for individuals of any age, gender, or sexual orientation. A typical sex therapy session starts by talking with a mental health professional. You can address many concerns about your sexual feelings, intimacy, and sexual function, in individual, couples or family therapy. And despite what many people may believe, sex therapy is relatively tame. It’s not about learning new kinks or tricks in the bedroom. It’s about working through a range of issues from intimacy to sexual dysfunction. We understand that sex therapy can be a frightening experience for the uninitiated – you’re entering into uncharted territory and talking about your sexuality and experience. This may leave you feeling vulnerable and exposed – but a sex therapist can provide you with the tools you need to make ground-breaking improvements in the quality of your life, not just your performance behind closed doors. The term ‘sex’ itself refers to a broad set of physiological characteristics that we are born with. Sex isn’t always as simple as categorizing people into males and females – researchers show that gender exists on a continuum and varies from person to person. Sex therapy can help a person navigate through the unique challenges they face in identifying their unique sex by:
These gender roles are not helpful to people because they might not agree with the gender assigned to them when they were born, e.g. being born with male anatomy while experiencing being female. Some people identify as gender-fluid, in which case their gender orientation exists on a spectrum and can change over time. Gender diverse is a term that someone may use to describe their gender identity when it doesn’t align with the sex they were assigned at birth. Understanding SexualitySexuality is a term that refers to feelings of arousal and attraction. Like sex and gender, sexuality is more complex than scientists previously thought. Every person has their own experience of sexuality, and each person has a right to choose if and how they wish to express it. Sometimes it can take quite a bit of self-exploring to define your sexuality, and even then it can still change. You don’t have control over who you’re attracted to. Some people desire exclusively monogamous relationships, and others prefer to be polyamorous (having several intimate relationships) – and that’s just as natural as the former. As such, issues arising from sexuality include sexual performance, sexual abuse, and abnormal sexual behaviours that can be addressed with sex therapy. A professional sex therapist can help you address your sexuality by:
If you or your loved one is struggling with issues related to sex, sexuality, gender, the dating field (improving self-confidence when meeting potential partners), or experience a lack of sexual confidence, it’s crucial to reach out for help to the right professional. HOW Does Sex Therapy Perth Fit? At Sex Therapy Perth, we provide evidence-based counselling services to our community in Perth. Our sessions are non-judgmental and completely confidential, which means you can freely speak about your sexuality without fear of judgment. Is sex therapy for you? Schedule an initial consultation session with one of our experts to get to know us better and start to experience how sex therapy can help. If you’re ready to book an appointment, then click here and we’ll find a time that works for you.  The explosion of the digital age has led to a modern behavioral epidemic: porn addiction.
Before the internet came along, enthusiasts had to visit their local news agency to browse for the latest issue of their favorite magazine. Or making a detour to adult shops in search for CDs or DVDs – all this restricted availability among much of the population. Today, it is so widely accessible that the average age at which children first gain exposure to porn is 11 years old – at which point it has the potential of evolving into an obsessive interest.  Working through infidelity is challenging. It requires massive amounts of vulnerability and energy from both partners. But your relationship isn't doomed if there has been infidelity. You can recover from infidelity and it can even, in some cases, lead to a stronger partnership than ever.
As you and your partner move through your journey, several things can support your recovery and bring you closer together. |
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